What If the Feedback Isn’t About You at All?
The feedback wasn’t just unhelpful... it made her question who she was. Here’s what this marketing leader did next.
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“You should stop wearing red lipstick. It makes you look like a baboon’s ass.”
(I promise this isn’t clickbait, a meme, or some twisted joke)
That’s what a coach told Steph Pennel in the middle of a professional development session.
Then they slid a photo across the table. A printed image of a baboon’s butt, just to make sure the point landed.
Steph just sat there.
“That was right after a bad breakup too,” she shared. “And I remember thinking: is this just the world right now?!”
It wasn’t the first time the feedback felt more personal than professional.
It came in different flavors:
Too nice.
Too direct.
Too bubbly.
Too intense.
It didn’t matter how she showed up. Someone always seemed to have a note.
Steph’s career didn’t start in tech.
Her first job was working behind the bar in Old Orchard Beach, in Maine. At that time, she was quiet, shy, and unsure of herself.
Until one day, a customer left her a $0 tip on a massive bill. And one of her coworkers grabbed Steph by the wrist and they marched down the street to confront the customer.
"A year before, I never would've done that. But something clicked. I learned to stand up for myself."
That experience became the foundation for everything that came next.
Hospitality turned into event marketing. A CPA firm turned into an insurance agency. An agency gig turned into big-name experiential work.
Eventually, she made her way into tech, marketing, and then leadership.
And that's where things got complicated.
When the feedback gets personal
Steph kept getting feedback that felt more personal than professional.
She was told she was too direct.
Then too warm.
She should “soften her tone.”
But also “stop being so nice, it can come off flirtatious.”
“What made it harder was the contradictions,” she told me. “One person would say I was too harsh. Another would say I was too friendly. Which one is it?”
The hardest part isn’t just hearing the feedback. It’s not even dealing with the inappropriate delivery.
It’s figuring out what parts of yourself you’re supposed to keep… and which ones you’re supposed to change.
If you’ve followed my content, you know this has been a re-occurring theme in other interviews too:
Elena Luneva wondered if she needed more “presence.”
Meredith Rosenbloom wondered if she needed to change how she spoke.
Austin Hay questioned his intensity.
She had built her career as an event marketing expert
But when Steph finally left that job, she wasn’t totally sure if she still loved events.
The joy was gone. The spark was missing. And the inner voice that used to say “you’ve got this” had gone quiet.
So she started doing inner work.
Therapy.
Coaching.
Podcasts.
Workshops.
Eventually, she found a program called To Be Magnetic that introduced the concept of the "Authentic Code." The idea was simple: define the 3 or 4 core values that matter most to you. Then use them like a compass.
Steph wrote hers down.
And one day, on a call with a (different) coach, Steph walked through each of her core values. Then her coach asked an important question:
"Do you feel like you're getting these in your current role?"
"It was a gut punch," Steph said. "Every single value was being crushed by my professional environment. It was clear: the problem wasn't who I was. It was the wrong place for me."
That realization changed everything.
She decided to bet on herself.
She launched her own business (The Event Critic).
She doubled down on what she was good at: creative, experiential events.
And she gave herself permission to do it all on her own terms.
A lot of people never name the thing that doesn’t feel right.
They blame themselves. Or hold onto the past, hoping things will go back to the way they were. They try to adapt. They second-guess their instincts, even when things don’t feel right.
Steph’s story is a reminder:
Once you know what matters to you, you might realize the company isn’t a match for you. Or the culture isn’t built for you. And your boss’s default communication style? That might not work for you either.
And that’s okay.
You’re not “too much”. You’re just clearer now on what you actually need.
If you're in that messy-middle today, and feel like you current role isn’t quite right, here are two things to try:
Define your core values. Your "authentic code." What are the 3–4 traits or experiences that matter most in your work and life? Use those to evaluate whether your environment is serving you.
Check the source. When you get tough feedback, ask: Is this about helping me grow? Or about making me smaller? If it feels like the latter, it’s probably not about you.
Catch Steph’s entire story on YouTube
Or listen on Spotify
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