Why Critical Feedback Feels Like an Attack, Even When it’s Not (and 4 Ways to Reframe it)
The story of how Austin Hay, co-Founder of Clarify, learned to stop taking himself too seriously
Hey 👋 I’m Andrew. Welcome to Delivering Value - the newsletter and podcast where I share stories from SaaS leaders about the toughest moments of their careers, and explore how they turned them into success stories. You get to learn from their mistakes, without the pain.
Some career moments change everything.
Sometimes it’s a raise, a promotion, or a win. Other times, it’s a piece of feedback that stings in the moment - but reshapes how you lead forever.
For Austin Hay, the co-founder of Clarify, that moment was in college.
He was taking a leadership course at USC, when a professor ripped him apart. He walked into office hours expecting feedback on his writing. Instead, she shared something that altered the course of his professional career.
“She fucking tore me out,” he shared.
Here’s the full story 👇
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The course pushed students to reflect on who they were, how they operated, and how they showed up in the world.
The writing assignments were very personal. They asked students to think deeply about themselves and their feelings.
One day, he went to his professor’s office hours, looking for feedback on an essay. He had put a lot of thought into into the piece and wanted help making it better. He expected some technical notes, maybe a few suggestions on how to refine his arguments. Nothing crazy. Normal feedback college stuff.
Instead, his professor tore him apart.
"Austin, you’re too tightly wound. Too serious. Too intense."
Whoah. The feedback caught him off-guard. It wasn’t about his writing. It was about him.
The words hurt like a punch to the stomach.
What? That can’t be right. That’s not me. I care about my work. I put in effort. That’s a good thing, right?
Austin remembers feeling emotional and crying afterwards when he was alone.
And the worst part? He didn’t really know what to do next.
At first, he rejected the feedback. He told himself the professor didn’t understand him. That she was wrong. That she didn’t see how much he cared, how much effort he put in, how hard he was working to be the best version of himself. But the words stuck with him.
He tried to shake them off. But over the years, they resurfaced in different settings. Different people. Different situations. A similar message:
"You take things too seriously."
"You get too bent out of shape."
"Your intensity makes it harder for people to connect with you."
At first, it felt like just one tough conversation. But if teammates, managers, and colleagues all saw him as "too intense," it could hold him back. Strained relationships. Limited opportunities.
Now, as a founder hiring and leading a team, the lesson is even clearer.
“People ultimately want to work with folks they like. So if you have the choice between a laid back, easygoing chill guy vs uptight Austin over here, who's bent around the axle, I know who you're going to choose.”
Managing his intensity wasn’t just about self-improvement. It was the difference between being a good operator and becoming a great leader.
It’s easy to accept feedback about something you’ve done, or need to do differently.
"Your numbers are off in this report." Simple fix.
"You need to adjust the messaging in that email." No problem.
But feedback about who you are, and how you show up? That’s different.
When someone tells you that your personality, your natural way of operating, is getting in the way - it doesn’t feel like they’re critiquing your work. It feels like they’re critiquing you.
We all have an internal narrative about who we are.
When someone challenges that, it clashes with how we view ourselves. The instinct is to defend. To push back. To dismiss it as one person’s opinion.
I’m not too intense. I’m just passionate. I’m not too serious. I just care a lot.
Even if you don’t see yourself as "too intense," if that’s how others experience you, it matters. The key is learning how to process feedback without taking it as a personal attack, so you can use it to grow instead of letting it derail you.
The message had sunk in, but Austin didn’t know what to do about it.
If you’re naturally intense, how do you just be less intense? Do you fake it? Suppress your energy? Stop caring?
“The feedback forced me to confront that idea that I can be a calmer and more reasonable and easygoing person. I love my work. I love the process of learning. I love executing. I love my craft. So how can I take work seriously, but not take myself seriously?”
That question led to a bunch of self-reflection - and experimentation.
Here’s what he found worked:
Creating space before reacting. Instead of responding immediately - whether in meetings, emails, or conversations - he trained himself to pause. To process before speaking.
Setting boundaries with work. Always being "on" made him more reactive. Removing Slack from his phone and setting work-life boundaries helped him stay in control.
Using exercise to regulate stress. He noticed that if he hadn’t worked out, his intensity spiked. So he built a habit: work out first, then work.
Focusing on self-awareness. He started noticing when he felt defensive or frustrated - and instead of pushing back, he got curious about why.
The shift wasn’t about changing who he was. It was about managing how he showed up.
Austin’s biggest lesson wasn’t about being "less intense" it was about understanding how his intensity was landing with others.
And that’s the real skill of leadership: not just knowing who you are, but knowing how others experience you..
Austin has continued refining, adjusting, and improving since that day. Turning a tough moment into a lifelong journey to improve.
If you struggle with handling tough feedback, here are four practical ways to make it less personal and easier to apply:
Train yourself to "overhear" the feedback instead of "receiving" it
When feedback feels like a personal attack, it’s harder to process. Instead, imagine overhearing it about someone else. This removes ego and helps you analyze it objectively.Assume the feedback is for future you, not present you
Feedback stings because it feels like an urgent demand to change. Instead, treat it as a note for your future self, giving you time to process and test its validity over time.Rewrite the criticism as a strength
Most negative feedback is a strength pushed too far. Instead of seeing it as a flaw, frame it as a quality to refine. “You’re too intense” becomes “I bring energy and passion to my work.”The "is this a signal or just noise?" approach
Not all feedback is useful. Before acting on it, ask: Is this a pattern or a one-off comment? Does this come from someone who understands my role? This ensures you focus on meaningful insights rather than reacting to everything.
Watch Austin’s whole story on YouTube 👇
Or listen on Spotify
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